Everyone, I’d like to introduce you to my boyfriend Chuck. Here we are dancing :
Please stop thinking, that is a doctored photo of Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers with my face plastered on Ginger and Jensen Ackles face on Fred. Stop thinking it right now. Because you’re already right.
I confess, Chuck is my imaginary boy friend and if I’m playing this game then my imaginary boyfriend Chuck dances like Fred Astaire and has the face of Jensen Ackles and all the personality of Jon Stewart. In my imaginarium that qualifies as a pretty f****** perfect imaginary boyfriend. (If you want an imaginary boyfriend, go dream one up for yourself, he’ll be perfect for you, I guarantee it.)
So what’s all this noise about? Why have been reduced to dreamed up something so silly and juvenile? Because if you’ve been reading my blog, you’ve probably noticed that I spend a lot of time explaining how exhausted I am and, recently, it’s only gotten worse, which is why I haven’t posted in a while and why I was finally forced to confront it the other day.
There are things that have happened in my life that are really hard for me to talk about, but to sum up, paths I have chosen to take in life really weren’t supported or taken that great an interest in by the people who I think probably should have been. Career and educational paths were never out right said, “You’ve got to be an idiot to try that.” , but they were always “supported” with that as it’s subtext and the added bonus of “And what are you going to do when you fail?” . To those people’s fears and projections of total failure, this idiot succeeded. A lot.
This set off a trend in my life of doing really stupid things with out the support of people around me and this trend has sort of become a litmus test for me to figure out who is fair weathered and who you can count on for life. And while I have also realized that is a really stupid way of testing people because I have finally learned, people are going to be there for you or not. Often, if they aren’t there it’s not because they don’t want to be. If they aren’t there it’s most often about something going on with them and nothing to do with you. So be grateful when they are and forgiving when they aren’t because that is what I ask them to do for me. Only took me 30 years to figure that one out. But I digress.
I start ballroom dancing and there are these amazing people coming into my life and these people are not only supporting me but are telling me, saying things out loud, to my face and ears, that I can do things and achieve things that I have never let enter my mind before… To me, hearing this, it’s like the first time I’ve tasted chocolate and there is no one to tell me to stop eating it. It is a start of a life long addiction and I will go on midnight runs in my PJ’s to the store for it. I will seek the finest but also be content with a Hershey bar next to my pillow…
… and because of everything in my life that has led me to this moment, I have developed zero coping mechanism for this. Like that same child being given chocolate, I don’t know how regulate my intake and have only made myself sick gorging on chocolate. I need someone or something to teach me limits because I don’t know how to be supported like this. I don’t know how to deal with the expectations of these goals that are now initiated and attached to other people. All I know is, if I have a goal then I’m all in. So what do you do when someone else is betting on you. I have no idea. I can’t go any more in then all in, can I? The only thing that I could figure out to do was take all the classes. 7 days a week for 2-3 hours a day. (That’s not a fast track to burn out, ha ha, really.)
And this is how I got so dam exhausted. When you add that up with the stress filled 9 – 6 day job, well, it’s kind of like when you multiply anything by zero, you get zero. Replace zero with drool and that’s all you’re going to get from me at the end of the day. I will produce drool. Really. It’s disgusting.
How does any of this connect to Chuck?
While fetching coffee for my face a couple of mornings ago I ran into a friend who also has “the dance” about her life and we talked. Ok she smacked me up side the head, as a good strong tattooed lady should do to another when they are being an idiot.
I told her of my stupid solution to this “problem” that I was having. She asked me if I had a boyfriend and I explained to her that I was currently in a very serious relationship with dance, but if a sweet boy were to come over and take my hand, I’d drop dance in a second. In fact, I’d trample my mother for another shot at love. (Sorry Mom, but I know how you would love a grand kid, so I think you’d be ok with my treads in your back.)
And that’s when the idea of Chuck was born. Oh, Chuckles… sigh. You are my new coping mechanism.
Since I am the type of girl who will drop everything in my life at the smell of love, a good coping mechanism is a boyfriend to be responsible to. (I have to just add, that I am not advocating that any one person needs another to be a whole person. What I am saying that love is love and why not? In this world with so much hate, in my opinion it should be a crime against God to deny yourself love. Who wouldn’t want something like this love story to leave on the earth? But again I digress…)
So when I need a break, when my body is begging me for a break, I have to tell myself that Chuck really needs some quality time. He’s feeling very neglected and I’m being very unfair to him by putting all these other things in front of our relationship. It’s a good thing to go home and make us dinner. It’s a relationship builder, plus I’ll have time to do things to help me process everything I learned from dance class, write it in my blog and sleep.
*Update. My apologies to Jensen. I’m sure that even though we have never met, you are much much more than a pretty face.